Celebrities Read Mean Tweets #75794349893

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Are these really, really, really – real?

Jimmy Kimmel does these mean celebrity tweet things once in a while. In fact, he had done seven of them so fat. They aren’t always funny, but there are always a few good ones sprinkled in among the bad. I did hear that his writing staff comes up with these tweets and that they aren’t real, but wither way, I still find them entertaining. in this series, my favorite ones are the Sofía Vergara one and the David Blaine one. Couldn’t agree more with the David one.

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Kendall Jenner Is All Grown Up

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kendall jenner

Actual caption from Kendall Jenner’s Instagram account “a little side boob never hurt nobody” — Nope, you’re definitely right on the money there, a little side boob never hurt anyone at all. I feel very conflicted here about Kendall. On the one hand, she’s pretty cute and already getting into advanced nudity. On the other hand, she’s half Satan’s seed. You see where my problem comes in?

But then on the other, other hand, she’s hot. Wait, h0w many hands is that? Oh, who cares. I like it when girls vie for attention and do anything possible. I get it. I understand. And just to prove this point (that girls do anything for attention), here’s a video she posted on her account for reaching 10 million followers.

Images and video via Instagram

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Channing Tatum To Jonah Hill: Kiss My Tip

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channing tatum

Channing Tatum is GQ’s cover boy for whatever month is coming up next and it’s sort of an awesome interview. From working back to back to back — all the way to his childhood and what that was like. What’s fascinating is that people who have read the article are talking about Channing and his drinking, his craziness and what his life is like, but they are skipping the most important part of the whole damn interview, and that part is that Jonah Hill has to kiss the tip of Channing’s penis, because of a lost bet.

That is how Tatum came to voice a fanciful prediction: $35 million. This was ridiculous, oiled-up, magical over-optimism. “I just knew,” Hill explains to me, “for what we cost, if our opening weekend was above $30 million, we were a massive success.” Anything higher than that was unimaginable. And that is why Hill highlighted the absurdity of Tatum’s prediction by stating exactly what he would do if Tatum turned out to be right.

“I will kiss your tip! I will kiss the tip of your dick through your underwear if we make $35 million.”

“I will only say,” Hill tells me now, “that Channing and I say a lot of stupid stuff when we drink together.”

“I haven’t made him do it yet,” Tatum tells me. “For obvious reasons. That’s a bad bet to lose—it’s not too good to win, either. But definitely the shame of it would be enjoyable. It’s my trump card, for sure. He tries not to bring it up at all costs. Unless he did something horrible to me, I don’t know if I could ever cash it in. It would change our relationship forever.”

“It’s a lose-lose for both parties, I feel,” echoes Hill. “I’d have to clear it with Jenna.… There’s all sorts of loopholes that have to be taken into consideration.”

You wanna know how I know you’re gay? You’re willing to kiss the tip, even if it’s through the underwear.

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Well Isn’t Ray J A Swell Human Being?

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Ray J & Kim K

And they say that chivalry and decency is dead, right? Well, Ray J here is a living example of what being an all around swell guy is all about. You know when he found out that his ex girlfriend, with whom he had made a porno with was engaged to be married, he could have thrown some serious shade their way. He could have sang a song about banging her first. He could have released the porno tape and shown the whole world all the ways he defiled Kim Kardashian, but did he? Oh, shit, wait… yes, yes he did. Crap. There goes that argument.

Well, I guess, even though Ray J is sort of a dick and a giant troll, this is still kind of funny. He has offered to give Kim Kardashian and Kanye West his share of the profits from the porn tape for the last 4 months. Before you go and think that it can’t be that much, let me tell you – you’re going to be shocked at how much money this tape still makes, 7 years after its initial release.

[themify_quote]- January  $6,135.60
– February $20,097.31
– March $9,674.76
– April $10,931.52
– TOTAL:  $46,840.13[/themify_quote]

Yup, $46K. That is a shit ton of money, who is still buying this tape? I mean, it’s pretty much everywhere. Don’t people know how to google for it? What’s even more shocking is that the tape has made millions and millions of dollars. At this point, is there anyone interested in Kim Kardashian and her clan? When we asked Kim for comment she said, “I will gladly take that money. I’m kind of a whore, not like a whore whore, but like I like money.” There you have it. Straight from the whoreses mouth.

Images via Kim and Ray J Instagram

 

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Let The Bass Drop

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This is pretty dead on balls accurate. I don’t care it’s not brand new – I just saw it and I think it’s funny. Let the bass drop.

Here’s what some of the most popular DJ’s charge:

  • Calvin Harris – $150,000+ a show — Earned $46 million in 2013
  • Tiesto – $200,000 – $400,000+ a show — Earned $32 million in 2013
  • Swedish House Mafia – $400,000+ a show — Earned $25 million in 2013
  • Deadmau5 – $200,000+ a show — Earned $21 million in 2013
  • David Guetta – $250,000+ a show — Earned $30 million in 2013
  • Afrojack – $75,000+ a show — Earned $18 million in 2013
  • Avicii – $150,000+ a show — Earned $20 million in 2013
  • Armin Van Buuren – $100,000+ a show — Earned $17 million in 2013
  • Kaskade – $100,000+ a show — Earned $16 million in 2013
  • Skrillex – $150,000+ a show — Earned $16 million in 2013
  • Steve Aoki – $50,000+ a show — Earned $14 million in 2013
  • DJ Pauly D – $40,000+ a show — Earned $13 million in 2013
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Radar Claims Lindsay Lohan Does MDMA. Is Anyone Surprised By This?

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lindsay lohan

All this is coming from Radar, so take it with a line of coke grain of salt. According to Radar’s sources, Lindsay Lohan’s 1000000th stay in rehab, including mama Oprah and her voodoo, have not been able to get the crack head actress clean. Why? Probably because for her, drugs are freaking amazing. Why else would people do them? Sources close to her [read, made up people] are saying that she’s hooked on Ecstasy and Molly.

“Lindsay is of course still partying. She never won’t use drugs and drink,” a close pal told Radar.

What I want to know is, who said this sentence? It’s so poorly worded, ‘never won’t?’ come one now.

“Right now she is doing a lot of Ecstasy and Molly because with the psych meds she is on, if she is tested it will only show up as amphetamine, which is prescribed to her so it’s ‘safe.’”

Lohan reportedly takes meds such as Dilaudid, Ambien, Adderall, Zoloft, Trazodone and Nexium to treat psychiatric problems.

If it’s true that she uses her legitimate drugs to hide her illegitimate drug use, I have to say that she’s pretty smart. I mean, she’s like a master chemist, mixing shit in the back in order to get high. It’s incredible to me how some people are able to get so smart about certain things. Like, you get a lazy person and give them an impossible task, you will be amazed at how much effort they will spend to find the easiest way of doing the job.

Or, you can get a druggie and tell them to to find a way to get away with being on drugs. Just sit back and watch as Lindsay Lohan comes up with creative ways to get away with rolling on Molly.

“With her friends she just sort of laughs about sobriety. Everyone kind of just thinks she’s a joke now.”

I don’t know why this comes as a surprise, but people have been laughing at her for a long, long time now. Thank you for keeping us in stitches Linds – for that, we thank you.

Image via Instagram

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This is Why You Don’t Leave A Tank In The Street — Ukraine

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Tank in Ukraine

If any of you have ever played GTA, this brings back wonderful memories of falling tanks, hookers and killing cops, right? Wait, that’s a video game and this, well… this is real life. In a very GTA like scene, a tank was left abandoned in the streets of Ukraine. The tank, a BMP Light Tank, was left in the streets after it stalled near Mariupol. I’m talking about a gassed up, fully loaded with weapons and shit tank. As in, this shit will kill you, tank.

Anyway, what are a bunch of people who come across this tank to do? Well, loot it of course, because you never know when that carton of shells will come in handy. According to the Live Leak post, nobody was killed in the incident, although the old man who narrowly escaped death got smacked in the head by a brick. Where’s Nelson to laugh at his pain?

http://youtu.be/sNEhkSyvhyA

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